I am NOT a terrible mom.

I've probably said this to myself 800 times this week and I just need to convince myself to believe it.

For some reason, Emma just screams when I leave to go babysit and Dave has her all day while shes like this.  She fights the bottle, she fights sleep and she just screams.  Its so bad that today when I got home she had lines between her eyebrows from where her skin was smushed from screaming. It sucks that he calls to ask my advice and I cant do anything except listen to her scream and feel like I'm terrible for being at work. I actually cried today because I felt so guilty.

I seriously wish I could spend everyday with her, all day.  I love every little piece of her and I could watch the funny faces she makes for hours.  When I do get home, I scoop her right up, put her on my chest and just lay there with her.

But its not like I have a choice.

David got the letter yesterday saying we hadnt won the appeal. Yep, we have to somehow pay ALL of our bills next month with just the money I'll make babysitting and the weekend shifts at Friendlys.  I can pay MY bills with it and maybe pay all of some of what we split like the whole cable bill and the whole electric bill but I cant afford my car payment AND his car payment plus rent and everything else. So how much does this suck... my daughter screams everytime I leave the house but if I dont go to work, we wont HAVE a house. Ugh.

Dave is on a SUPER job search at this point, canvasing the city and pretty much applying EVERYWHERE! Every day he goes without pay, we get closer to not being able to afford our lives. Its so embarrassing. Im 25, Im married and I should have my life together but I feel like Im grasping at straws and am scared shitless everyday that something else is going to fall through. Im actually considering selling my car right now to help make ends meet. dave;s not working and when he does start we're going to try and work opposite shifts so why do we need two? We each owe about 5k on our cars so if we could get rid of one of the $250 car payments each month we would be a lot better off but I guess I can only dream of things getting better.

I'll keep my chin up and fight my battles just like everyone else does but I just have to remind myself my heart is in the right place, everything i do, I do it for my family.  Cross your fingers and say your prayers for us because we need all the help we can get right now.

My First Week

This week has been crazy, but in a really great way.

I started working with the kids and I worked a 10 hour day on Wed, Thurs & Fri. Yikes!!

here's the terrible part: I like working still. yes, it sucks to leave Emmalee in the morning and I feel cheated that I only get a couple hours with her at night before she goes to bed again but I also have an overwhleming feeling of pride that I'm providing for her. And honestly, 3 days our of 7? I can handle it.

I immeidately scooped her up every single night I've gotten home and just snuggled with her.  I miss her all day but I think its healthy for me to have some time away and since I've been working Dave and Emma have had some amazing bonding time because it's literally just him and her the whole day while Im gone.

Wednesday was a bit rough, she cried a bunch but he calmed her down and she ate from the bottle and she has progressively gotten better each day. It makes me smile to know that he will have an aamzing relationship with her becuase Im not always around to take over  : )

dave brought her to his cousins house today to hang out with her family and dave's dad. It was 100+ degrees out so Dave brought her into the pool with him and it sounds like she had a blast! She kept opening her mouth wide and kicking her legs I wish I had been there to see it!

And as far as the boys go... I LOVE them.  Four year old twins, Daniel and Elijah.  Super affectionate, they call me "Miss Heather" and are obsessed with Cars and Lightening McQueen.  They are tiring but they keep me on my feet and they are sticking cute!

the best part... the check the mom wrote me today covers the electric bill from this month AND makes it so we have enough to pay August rent AND has some left over! :)

So just a quick update tonight. I'm heading off to bed with Emma and Dave and we're going back to Dave's cousin Jill's house tomorrow for some more pool time and a family cook out!

Oh and before I go, do me a favor and kiss your kids extra tomrorow, and every day becuase you really dont realize how lucky you are to hold your little ones hand every day. <3

Meeting Celebrities & Getting A Job

Um, yep... thats me with Brad Paisley and I am soooo ok with it!
Last week I had won tickets to his show, along with meet and greet passes from a contest on facebook. I debating going, knowing that I could sell the tickets and the passes and not have to worry about the rest of this months bills. However, between my mom, Kristen (whose in the picture with me) and my husband, they pretty much refused to let me "not go".   They all said I needed a night out after having Emmalee and since Dave volunteered to stay home with her, I was able to take one of my friends and relax. I drove up and Kristen took care of parking and drinks for the night so we had a girls night that I didnt stress out about.


We go there around 5 because the woman in customer service told me that the meet and greets happen between 5-6 if its a 7 oclock show. Um nope, Brad Paisley's meet and greet was AFTER the show! Since we had time to kill we went exploring, looking at all the food stands and the tour merchandise.  As Kristen was purchasing her shirt, I overheard the Country 102.5 booth that was next to the merch say theyd be interviewing Jerrod Neimann shortly so I plopped myself directly in front of he table and called Kristen over. Sure enough, 10 minutes later, there he was!!!

Oh and for those of you who dont know him...

and...

LOVE!

We were already fraked out about meeting him and knowing we'd be meeting Brad Paisley later was amazing! The concert was Jerrod Neimann, Blake Shelton & Brad Paisley, seriously dreamy. We had a blast. We danced, sang, screamed... it was so much fun!

So our seats were directly behind the sound tech guys and we notice them moving stuff, first a microphone, then a guitar so I watched the guy to see where he went.  He was at the end of our row with a ton of security ad I strated to freak out... Brad was going to be coming up here for a 2nd stage!! We were extremely lucky and there were about 15 open seats, with only 4 or 5 people at the very end of the row so we scooted right down and were only about 3 people away from the second stage. sure enough two songs later, Brad was walking up to this little boat dock stage!!

Think we were excited?? :)

And then... when the concert was over, it was tme to meet him!

Yes, we acted like 13 year old girls.

Yes, i thought Kristen was going to hyperventilate.

Yes, he wrapped his arms around us.

and Yes, I went for the sneak "drop your hand on to the bum as you pull your arm away" move. Judge away. I touched Brad's butt, what have you done?

s seriously one of the best nights I've had in a while and I am SO glad my friends and family refused to let me skip out of it, and grand total for the ngiht... $13. :)

AND....

we're on an uphill swing right now because I got offered the nanny job!!

It's for 3 kids, a 7 year old and 4 year old twins.  I'll be there for 3 days, 10 hours starting at 6:30 am to put the girl on the bus, hang out with the boys, drop the boys off at preschool at 12 and then pick up all 3 kids at 3:30 and start homework and do snacks until the mom gets home at 4:30! I'll get paid for all 10 hours, even the 3 that the kids are all at school! and at the payrate and the ability to bring Emma I really cant say no.  I dont want to bring her because, seriously, twin boys?? but I have the option to if I need. plus I'll be making in 3 days what I was making waitressing 5 weekdays at friendlys.  I watched them yesterday for a few hours so get accquainted with them and I'll be doing some more hours over the summer before the school year starts.

I've already told Dave I want to keep one weekened day at friendlys. I've been with them for 4 years and I dont want to sever that tie.  God forbid something happen with the family, I want a place to go. But even with one shift, I'll only be working 4 days a week which leaves me 3 full days with my bug while still having enough money for my bills! :)

So now we just need to find out if Dave gets his unemployment and keep on working on his job search but for now I'll take this victory.

Were getting new doors put into the apartment so as soon as they get here, we'll be off to Target to pick up a few things then its back to the couch to watch somme more of Eureka! :)

Last Week & One Month.

So this week has been ridiculously busy...

My previous post was about the ridiculousness of our Cash Assistance meeting on Monday however, we DID get our Food Stamps for the month on Tuesday morning so that assistance is a HUGE weight off my shoulders, especially since they didnt get deposited the day they were supposed to.

Tuesday was the appeal for unemployment. I have ideas of how it went but until we get the letter in the mail, that's all I can say. I'm hoping for the best but continuing to plan for the worst.  If we win the appeal we will be recieveing a check that could help us, even if we don't recieve it right away. All we can do is cross our fingers and hope and pray that we win.

Wednesday was a much more relaxing day, Emma and I stayed in bed almost all day! I was supposed to have an interview at 6:30 but she called at 4 pushing it until Thursday so I truly had no plans for the day.  And it was a good thing because Emmalee ended up being a scootch all of Wednesday night until Thursday morning.  We got almost NO sleep and of course, Thursday was super busy. 

I had an interview at 12:30 for a nanny job and once again, I am not saying anything about it.  I SHOULD have a phone call today to let me know if they picked me.  Who knows.  I had a really great time with the three kids and the mom and I ended up talking for 45 minutes. It would be a really great if I do get it, but once again... being optimistic but not putting all my eggs in one basket.

However, the best part was Thursday night! Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2! Obviously, we went to the midnight show! I have taken my siblings to all of the movies the day they have come out (except Abby... she was too little for the first one!) We got there at 9:15 and got our seats and seriously, thank goodness we did becuase our theater was PACKED by 11 pm. It was amazing, go see it. That's all.

Even bigger than the final installment of Harry Potter... Emmalee was babysat while we went! It was the first time we left her with anyone other than ourselves. She was ony with my mom so I obviously wasn't stressed or concerned and Emma was wonderful for her I guess! I fed her right before we left, my rocked her to sleep and Emma stayed asleep until about 1:30! Mom changed her, gave her a bottle, and she went back to bed! We finally got home around 3:30 and after a change and a feeding she went to bed around 4:30. Ugh. Thankfully the only thing we had to do today was go to Emmalee's one month check up so we are NOT doing anything else otherwise!

As far as her check up goes, she is perfectly amazing and healthy. She is currently 22 inches long and 9 lbs 15 oz!!! Which levels her off at about an ounce a day and about 3 inches in the past month! her pediatrician says she perfectly healthy and we dont go back until her 2 month checkup!

So now that I've updated and don't feel terrible about reading all week instead of blogging I'm going to take a couple seconds to add more books that I read this week to my 50 Book Challenge!

2 steps forward, 10 steps back.

It takes a lot to make me feel defeated, like truely "I don't knwo what I'm going to defeated" but right now I am.

Obviously, Ive been extremely candid about mine and Dave's position and I expect that everyone who reads this understands how hard it can be for me to share but I want to be able to look back and say "we overcame everything" and maybe help someone else see sunshine when theyre in this position.

So let's recap.

Dave has been out of work since the first week of May. He was denied his unemployment and we are waiting to be able to appeal it, which is thank god, tomorrow but there's no guarentee that we'll win or that he'll get anything.
I have been out of work since May 29th, which was a full 2 weeks before Emmalee was born.
We had about $8,000 in the bank becuase I figured that was enough to cover my leave and then have some still in the bank when I wnet back to work.. I didnt expect that we would be covering both of us.
We currently have $1,134 left.  I still need to pay this month's NStar bill, which will be about $100 and we need to come up with a deposit for our car insurance which starts again on the last day of the month, PLUS have enough to pay our $995 rent on the first of August, not to mention gas money.
I don't even see the doctor until Aug 3rd, so there is no chance of me going back to work or having a paycheck before then.
I'm pretty good at math and after doing the numbers... we're fucked.

We were fortunate enough to get the WIC vouchers so we have that but becuase our appointment with the case worker was AFTER the day I was supposed to get more snap deposited, we didn't get it.  We currently have $2.26 on our SNAP card.  The case worker said today that she would do what she could to have them deposited tomorrow.  I hope so because as great as the WIC is, we need more than bread, milk, and peanut butter between now and August 8th when we'd get the next SNAP deposit.

So... today, we were told that we will NOT qualify for cash assistance, we have too much in "assets".  Now the "assets" in question are our cars. Our cars that we have to pay almost $600 a month in car payments on.  The case worker pulls up the blue book value of the crappiest condition, no extras version of our cars and thats how they determine the value of the cars. Lowest price for Dave's was $6,000 and mine was $3000.  We owe MORE than that on both cars.  How can that be an asset if we OWE more than what the office is saying their worth? They factor out the first $5000 of one car but with a $2500 limit, we exceed it without even looking at the bank accounts.

We have no income, have about $2000 in bills each month, but we don't qualify for help because we own two cars that we have to pay $500 a month to. How am I supposed to take care of my family and pay those bills in the next month?

I feel defeated, I feel roadblocked, and I feel like I'm doing my family an injustice; I cant take care of them  I have the most amazing little ball of joy who depends on me for everything, and I cant even take care of myself right now.  I feel terrible that we are in an upheaval but I thank God that she is too young to realize it.  She smiles and coo's and without those I think I would have broken already.

I know it will get better, it always does and Dave and I have found a way to pull off everything we needed to, but for now, this sucks.

Anyone need a babysitter?

Another...

Embarrassment, victory, help... whatever you want to call it, we got it.
We have WIC checks.
It's bread, milk, eggs, juice, fruits, veggies, peanut butter... things I eat everyday to make sure that Emmalee is getting all the nurtrion she needs from me.  And it's now a HUGE amount of stuff but it's help and right now, I am so thankful for it.
It's one more thing that I can relax about. Between WIC and the SNAP to help with everything else, I don't need to worry about food in our house. :)

I just paid the bills for the whole month today while Emmalee and Dave are napping together so now it's a week to relax and we'll go to Dave's unemployment appeal next week to see what else is going to happen! But in the mean time we have some great plans this week!

Emma will be meeting Lisa and Heather Hedding tomorrow, Casey is coming over tommorrow night for dinner, we will have a couple days off and this weekend it's the Long's Lobster Party in Chatham on Saturday and we'll be going to the Whaling Festival on Sunday (maybe Friday..we'll see!)! Staying busy! :)

Oh, ps. Emmalee weighed in at 9 lbs 6 oz today! My goodness! And I am down another pound! :)

Thinking.

So I guess I lied in my last post; we ended up at Mom's yesterday and I'm SO happy we went.  We got a text around noon that said something along the lines of "you should come over today... Nick wants to see Emmalee again before he leaves and Nannie will be here for dinner as well".  how do I say no to that? Nick doesnt have plans to come home again until Thanksgiving and then he'll leave for Guam in December, yikes! So if he wants to see his only neice agian before he leaves today, how am I supposed to say no?!? So we ended up at another cookout at Danas!

Dave & Nicholas

Grace, Kris & Abby

My little firecracker! <3

We got home and she ate, fell asleep at 9 and slept until 2! Quick feed and back asleep until 6:45! However, this morning David fed her! She took a full 2 oz bottle from him and then topped off with me! No issues with the nipple or switching back to the breast so I am superexcited!

So those are my two wins of the weekend but this weekend also made me think about two things I have no right to think about right now.

1. I am always sad leaving Plymouth.  We're in a really great spot here and with us both being out of work right now, I shouldnt even be thinking about moving but even Dave realizes how much happier I am when we're close to my family.  On the car ride home last night he asked if (a) Jeff would transfer me to the Plymouth or Middleboro stores and (b) if I'd want to move that way if he could find a job up there. Obviously yes.  Plymouth, Kingston, Carver, Middleboro, and as a last choice: Wareham... just closer please.  I hate the drive and I really feel far away now that we have Emmalee.  So obviously I looked at rent.com and Craigslist when we got home but EVERYTHING says "no pups" :(  We found a couple for rent around Exit 6 but someone owns it and we'd be paying their mortgage, so I looked at ZipRealty and a condo in the same place would run us between 83,00-120,00 for a 2 bedroom unit.  I'd LOVE to move but I dont think we look very good on paper right now. No one will approve us for renting Im sure, with no income, and theres NO WAY we'd qualify for a mortgage. Oh well, we will keep looking around but like Dave said, he's no longer tied to the theater. AMC only had a couple theaters and the closest ones were Dartmouth and Braintree.  If he looks into another theater (Regal), there's one in Kingston.  With his retail management experience he could look into anything at the Shops at 5 or Colony Place, it would just be a big jump and until he finds a job here that he would be able to transfer to, I dont see it happening.  We go to his appeal next Tuesday so we'll find out about unemployment then, which is really what we've been waiting for.  If he "wins", we get backdated unemployment pay from May until now, if he had gone looking for a job (a) I would have probably had a meltdown on my own with Emmalee and (b) Dave would have forfeited his right to the appeal beacuse he would be employed so after next week we can take more steps in the direction we want to go.

2. Because we didnt know Emma's sex before she was born, we did buy a couple of "BOY" things before her arrival.  Like a onsie that says "Chick Magnet", things that Emma obviously wont wear.  I offered them to a friend whose expecting a boy and when I mentioned that I had to someone else, they commented "Oh, you're not saving them for the next one?" Did I miss the memo where I told everyone I wanted another one? I mean, I LOVE Emmalee but do I want another? Am I even in a position to think about another one? It's not that I didnt enjoy being pregnant and honestly, my labor wasn't terrible (even though it sucked while it was happening) but maybe thats what I'm most afraid of.  It went SO WELL that what if I get pregnant again and it doesnt? What if something goes wrong? Dave and I used to talk about 2 kids if we had any but at this point, I wouldnt want another for probably 2 or 3 years. We live in a 2 bedroom apartment, where would I put the stuff? Emma is already outgrowing some of her newborn stuff, do we save it all, just in case?I dont know, I just didnt think I'd already have to think about the possiblity of another one...

So I guess my mind is running thinking of things but today is a holiday and we have NO plans.  Vasques just came to visit and meet Emmalee, which was great but I think otherwise, we'll just hang out in our pajamas today!

Happy 4th of July!

Schedules, Shopping, & being Un-American.

So Emmalee is in her bed and I need to celebrate for a minute. Other than Wednesday night, she has been in her bed and asleep by 9:30 every night this week! Granted she's not even 3 weeks old but her schedule has been cementing.
She's in bed each night between 8:30- 9:30, sleeps until 1 or 2 am, eats for a bit then is back asleep until 5:30-6:30. 
She eats again and hangs out awake with me until about 9.
Another meal and sleeps until around noon time.
More eating and some more awake time followed by a meal and another nap from 3 until about 7.
Eat, awake time, eat, asleep again between 8:30-9:30.
I'm just going to enjoy it while it lasts because who knows when it comes to little ones!

Plus I am having a REALLY great day!
Emma had me up around 6 am and after she ate and went back to bed, I got up and headed out to Savers for their 50% off sale.
Now I LOVE Savers and I'm not even ashamed to admit it. I bought a ton of my maternity pants there because I really only needed them for a short span of time and I couldnt justify paying $40+ per pair for something I only needed for 3 or 4 months. Also, baby clothes are great to buy there because almost everyone knows that most babies dont get to wear all thier clothes and many of them end up at Savers.  It makes sense because it makes clothes super cheap and a lot of them are in great condition.
I had bought a couple of gender neutral items before we had Emmalee, obviously not spending alot because we didnt know what we were having. But now that we know... so much more fun!!
Mom repeatedly gives us bags of clothes from Savers (which I love) and in addition to all of her presents, she has a TON of clothes for newborn and 0-3 months, which if she grows "according to statistics" that will get her until the middle of September.  Well, me, trying to be smart, opted to buy all long sleeve onsies, pants, and fleece pajamas in 3-6 and 6-9 sizes, September to December and December to March! She has so many clothes now, I really dont have to worry or be concerned at all about buying ANYTHING for her anytime soon. So this is what I bought...

There are 52 items there, you know, just so you dont have to count. And the best part... I spent $36!! There are items from Jumping Beans, Carters, and Osh Kosh, and the most expensive item was $1.25 since everything was 1/2 off the already super low Savers prices!

Little victory. Oh, and I came home to Space Jam on tv. What a day!! :)

However, I'm also being a bad American this weekend.  We have NO plans whatsoever and I may have to officially turn in my Manomet card because... wait for it... I am NOT participating in any of the festivities on Whitehorse Beach this year. I know, pull up your jaw and take a breath.

Emma is still too little for fireworks, I would have nothing to leave with a sitter to feed her with and the thought of sitting in traffic to get to my parents house makes me wanna vomit. I guess things really do change when you become a parent because I havent missed WHB festivities since my mom let me go down with my friends/on my own. Hell, my first official "we're boyfriend and girlfriend" date with Dave was to a party on the 3rd.  So obviously the day has a special place in my heart. However, this year, we'll be staying home.  There is a street fair in downtown NB tomorrow so we will probably venture that way with little missy.  Otherwise, we'll be tucked in the house, avoiding the loud boom of fireworks.