Meredith

Today is a rough day. One of the hardest of the year.  The pictures above are of Meredith Prue, one of the most amazing women I have ever met.  Three years ago today, she took her own life after losing her son four years earlier.  Jeffrey died while playing the "choking game".  Here's the link to watch the tv interview about how horrible this "game" is. 
Losing Jeffrey was horrible.  I remember going back to my dorm room after my first date with Brandon and going up to my room.  I had forgotten my phone in my dorm and my roommates were freaking out because my mom had called so many times and they told me my grandmother was sitting in parking lot outside of the dorm. It was such a horrible night.

Jeff and Mel were living in Washington and seeing them was almost impossible.  It was hard to talk to her because she was far away and she never really let on how bad she was doing.  She wanted to know about our lives and never missed our birthdays or holidays.

I was working at the Middleboro Friendlys, living with Matthew in Middleboro and I had gotten out of work and was heading home.  Matthew had invited people over for the night and they were having a party.  As I pulled into the parking lot, my mom called.  Her first question was "Are you driving?" and wouldn't say anything else until I told her I was parked.  I dont remember anymore of that conversation.  I walked up to our apartment in a fog, ignored everyone in my living room and crawled into my bed crying.  Matt came in and I told him what had happened.  His first response was "Well do I need to make everyone elave or can we keep having our party?" Should have been the first sign but that's another story for another time...

I will enver ever forget that night.  Meredith was a second mom to me.  If anything had ever happened to my mom, that's who I would have wanted to "fill in".  She was such an amazing woman and she made my life better just by being in.  She was funny and endearing, always putting everyone else before herself.  Some days I was mad at her for what she did and I hate myself for feeling that way.  I wish she was stronger and I wish that I could have done mroe for her but I know deep down in my heart that she is with Jeff again and she's finally happy.  I cross my fingers everyday that she'll find a way to be there for me for the rest of my life.  If David and I have a girl, she will be named Emmalee Meredith after this amazing woman.  If it is a boy, it will be Tyler Jeffrey after her son; he was like a little brother to me.

I'm crying my eyes out right now thinking about them. It's hard and sucks whenever I think about them.  Today is rough so any thoughts and prayers are appreciated.  Especially if you can send them to my mom.

I know I talk about how amazing she is but I really learned how strong she was a couple days ago.  I was talking about the pregnancy and she told me something she hadnt before.  Before I begin..

Being pregnant is hard for me.  Not in the "Oh my god feel bad for me because I'm sick and gaining weight" way but because I know my pregnancy causes pain for some other people.  Please don't take that the wrong way. I love my baby and I love the family that David and I are going to have but somedays I feel guilty and it's hard.  My friend and her husband are dealing with infertility and have been trying for a family since they got married in 2009.  I adore her and that's why it can be hard for me.  there's no resentment or anger, it's just hard.  How can you feel excited for someone else when they hvae what you want without trying? And how can I feel excited without feeling guilty when it just "happened" for us? It's hard... Im crossing my fingers (and I hope you do too) that when they start their next cycle of IVF in a few days, it works.  Her blog is here if you'd like to read more on her journey.

But getting back to the story... mom told me that she had the same difficulty after Jeffrey died.  jeffrey was Meredith's only child and when she lost him, she lost everything.  Mom would try and talk to her about us growing up but she couldnt help but feel guilty because she had five growing chidlren and Mel had lost her one. Mel was my mom's best friend.  I dont think anyone will ever hold a candle to Meredith in my mom's eyes but she never let on how much pain she was in.  She always kept face for us and had to keep it together for us. I guess I never realized how much she hurt but I could feel it when she talked about Mel.  My mom had to deal with a loss that she couldn't fully understand or comprehend.  It wanst fair what she went through and I am thankful everyday that she taught me the same values.  My mom lives everyday with the motto that "It could always be worse" and I guess I understand it now.  She lost her best friend but she still had us. She is such an amazing woman and I am thankful everyday that she was chosen to be my mom and that I get to talk to her whenever I need to or whenever I want to.  I know that she will make a world of differnece to my child and will truely be the greatest grandmother anyone has ever had.

Mel has been gone for years but everytime you talk about her, it feels like she's here everytime I talk to my mom or her family. I love her with all my heart and I miss her more and more everyday.

Meredith Anne Barros Prue

12/27/1965- 2/28/2008

<3

Perfect.

Tonight was wonderful. After a crazy week of working at Friendlys every.single.day because of school vacation, David took me out to a movie and dinner. We went to see Unknown with Liam Neesan and then he took my to the Roadhouse for dinner.  Its nothing crazy but I loved it.  I have no idea when we went out on a date last time.  It was nice to just relax and hang out.  We went to Target after and bought a bookcase for the baby's room. It's not everyone's idea of a perfect night but it was for me...

<3

The Updated Bucket List

Well this month has been great for my bucket list...here's the updated version.

1. Go on a cruise
2. Buy a house
3.  Have a Baby 
4. Start a Blog... and Keep it for 30 days Completed 2/1/2011
5. Get a job teaching
6. Go on a safari in Africa
7. Go to Disney with my child
8. Go to London
9. Go to Atlantic City
10. See a show on Broadway
11. Eat at a Sonic  Completed 2/19/2011
12. Run a 5k
13. Go to Austrailia
14. Visit the Grand Canyon
15. Put my toes into ocean water in California
16. Ride in a hot air balloon
17. Visit all the MLB stadiums
18. Visit the Amazon rainforest
19. Visit Rome
20. Visit Egypt
21. Climb the Statue of Liberty
22. Go to a casino Completed 2/19/2011
23. Build a Habitat for Humanity Home
24. Have a spa day
25. Go to Greece
26. Start a college fund for my child
27. Go whale watching.
28. Attend the Macy’s Turkey Day Parade
29. Go to Las Vegas
30. Go to a Super Bowl.
31. Buy my husband a Movado
32. Own a pair of Manolo Blahiks
33. “Adopt” a child for Christmas
34. Earn a Masters degree
35. Get a PhD
36. Go to Myrtle Beach
37. Do a photo project for one month.

25.

I am 25. Holy hell.

This is going to be a long blog so I hope you're ready for it...

This weekend I was celebrating. I am 25 years old. I seriously can not believe that I am that old right now. I debating writing a few times this weekend but everything was so crazy, it just didn't happen. I'll start at the beginning. I cant promise I'll follow through with a timeline because, let's face it, I get distracted and go off on rants but I'll do my best.

Saturday was a mixture of wonderful and terrible but I will do my best to focus solely on the positive.  We woke up early in the morning to bring the pups to the kennel for the night.  Of course we couldn't find their paperwork and we spent an hour figuring out how to get a fax from Plymouth so we could get them boarded. Of course, it all worked out fine and we were on our way.  We made it to New Haven and had lunch with David's side of the family, Grammie, Pappie Joe, Donna and Nick.  I seriously adore them. I HATE that they live so far away and it just takes forever to get there.

Did you know that there is a Sonic in CT? Only 15 minutes from his grandparents house?  Did you also know that going to a Sonic is on my bucket list? Yey! KBiss and Heather met us there and $34 worth of crap later, we were fat kids eating everything in sight at Sonic. Don't judge. 

Mohegan was great.  And yes, I am focusing on the good.  It was very upsetting for me because between 3 and 5 I received 6 or 7 texts from people who had been telling me for weeks that they were coming, suddenly weren't.  I get it, things happen. But to 7 people all at once? Hmm. Needless to say, I reevaluated some things and decided rather than thinking about how crappy it was that my friends couldn't waste the time to drive down and celebrate, I opted to celebrate with those who did matter.  I had a great time and that's what matters, right? We didn't win any money. We didn't eat at the restaurant I had wanted to and we had an extra guest in our hotel room that night but in the end, I had a good time. Fuck everyone and everything else, right?

As negative as that sounds I want to be more positive.

Today was amazing. I had the entire day off and I spent it at my moms.  We didn't do anything amazing. We went shopping, grabbed lunch, did some more shopping, she cooked me birthday dinner and funfetti cupcakes, and we sat around watching tv and opening presents.  Seriously, amazing  I don't remember the last time I got to just relax and spend the whole day with my mom and siblings.  I know it sounds silly but they keep me grounded and remind me to just relax sometimes.  My mom is so excited about the baby that everything is so much fun.  We bought baby clothes today and David and I looked at a stroller and car seat set.  Its just wonderful knowing that I have such an amazing support system in place. Abby was helping me pick out maternity clothes and my mom had an armful of newborn onsies before I had even gotten to the kids section.  It's so overwhelmingly amazing. I seriously cant wait.

Since I started my list of gifts, I guess I should continue..

Baby Clothes
Coach bag
Maternity Clothes
Coldstone Creamery gift card
Borders gift card
The Bro Code (aka. barney Stintson's Bible on How I met Your Mother. In case you didn't know, I'm obsessed with that show)
a candle from Margaritaville
a present charm from Pandora for my bracelet
and my e-reader that we already know about!

Yikes, I am so spoiled!

Also, I need to tell you about Judy. Judy is a blow up doll that my brother Nick bought for David as a joke wedding present.  We responded by sending it back to him as part of his Christmas gift.  Well, today Just came back in the form of a birthday present. We've got big plans for her... stay tuned.

But back to the birthday.. seriously, I am 25.  Now, I never thought Id be at this point in my life.

I knew I'd grow up and all but when I was younger I figured I wouldn't be married and the idea of my own family never crossed my mind.  I wanted to travel the world and save the orphans of the world.  Being tied down to a man and kids wasn't my thing.  However, there was a point where everyone else was determining their lives and I guess my vision didn't fit so I modified it. Seventh grade was a different world. My best friend wanted 6 kids and to be married by the time she was 23.  My expiration date became 25 years old.  I told myself if I was going to do the "right thing" and get married/have a family, it would need to be by the time I was 25.  So I imagined 25 as my expiration date, I had to do it all by then.  I imagined a full-time teaching job, a husband, a kid and a house by the time I was 25.  At 23, I had none of that. Now at 25 I'm starting with an amazing husband, a baby on the way, a very comfortable place to live and my foot 3 quarters of the way into a couple school systems. Maybe it's not what I imagined but I guess for 25 I'm doing ok. 

It's funny that I gave myself such high expectations because I look at my friends and already think I'm light years ahead of them.  Not that it's a bragging thing, but I feel like I'm on a different wavelength than most of them.  I don't need to go out drinking, I'm already married and expecting a family.  A couple of them are engaged, but it's still in the planning stages.  I have two very good friends who are married but babies aren't in their immediate future so I feel like I'm kind of on an island by myself.  It can be quite isolating.  There are friends who are pregnant but under different circumstances and the mindset is different.  Part of me wishes I could slow down until everyone else catches up but I guess I was always destined to set my goals ahead of everyone else. I will be very happy though when I don't feel like I'm on this island by myself.

This is seriously a ridiculously long blog.
Let's not prolong it. Good night. <3

Ooops.

So I kind of fell off the 30 Day Blog Challenge bandwagon, and honestly I don't feel bad.  The whole point of the challenge was to get myself to blog and get in the habit of sharing, even if it feels trivial or stupid.  I may not have made all the days in my blog, but I did blog for 30 days so it looks like I get to cross that off my bucket list! Yey! It's silly but its a commitment that I always thought I'd be too self conscious to share so I'm glad I can say I did it.

One thing I DID keep up with is the 50 Book Challenge from the library. I have two more books to throw at you. I'm sure you've all read one of them but I doubt you have ever even heard of the other.

Tuesdays with Morrie is a classic that I think most people have read. I've read it many times before, but it really seemed to click this time around with the idea of not rushing to the end, not having to be the best at work but rather to enjoy the life around you because before you know it, it could, and will, be gone.

A Hope in the Unseen is an incredible book and I had never heard of it before.  It's a true story of a boy who grew up in a horrible, poverty stricken, drug infested neighborhood and despite it all, still manages to get accepted to, and excel at Brown University.  It's an underdog story but it's real and with the fight for or against education being as heavy as it is right now, it really brings you back to the idea that you are responsible for your actions and your success.  Your situation should never hold you back.

I just borrowed Catcher in the Rye, Devil's Arithmetic, and Star Girl from the library yesterday. Granted they are school assignments but I have to read them so expect me to add those to this list soon.

Call me Betty Crocker

Because I've got a funfetti cake cooking in the oven. :)
So what if its 11:30 on a Friday? Ive been craving and since I dont work until 3:45, I've got plenty of time. David is amped. I wanted cupcakes but we kind of ruined those pans during the move.. thankfully they were crap ones I bought for a couple bucks. I'll probably end up buying a good cupcake pan and two round cake pans from Crate and Barrel next time I go, otherwise feel free to buy them for me whenever you'd like. :P

We are finally settled in to our new place.  It's still a mess but we've made some amazing progress since Tuesday night when we got everything moved in. I'm going to post some pictures of what the place looks slash how we've set it up, but seriously dont judge the mess; we're still unpacking, cleaning and working fulltime...

So this is what you see as you walk in. We have a double room which serves as our living room and dining room, and we stuck our computer desk in the corner and call it an office too!  Puppy loves the slider because she gets to look outside and David of course, loves the computer...

I eventually want to hang my diploma and my license here but I'm also debating just getting some good shelves...

And the view as you walk in our kitchen...

It's a little on the small side but it's an L shape and seems to fit us perfectly. Yesterday was wonderful because we finlaly opened some of our wedding presents and got rid of older crap cookware.  My shelves are now stocked with Corningware, Paula Dean, KitchenAide Pink accessories!

This is what you see looking from the kitchen towards the front door...

This room isnt much now but that big box in the corner is the baby's mattress and it will eventually be baby's room! I actually got teary eyed the first time David asked if I wanted him to put it in "the baby's room" <3

 Across the hall is the bathroom....

And then it's the bedroom! I seriously LOVE our bed and bedsheets. <3
It's so weird to try and fit everything we had in the second bedroom from the old apartment into our bedroom and living room, but it's working out fine and I'd rather have a baby room than a mancave/storage room.

(Say cheese pup!)

Oh, and my favorite part of our bedroom...

The 9' x 9' walkin closet. <3

So it's definately not gorgeous yet, but it feels like home and that's what matters. I cant WAIT for the baby shower now so that I can start nesting the nursery! <3

So I guess the only think left to say is Welcome home! <3

It's hard to update with no internet.

That being said, we moved!

At work on Saturday I received a call saying the new apartment was set and ready so we could start moving. I called David and he and a friend started moving.  When I got home that night, I packed some more but left the lifting and moving for the boys for the next day... this is all in my last post!

Comcast turned out to be a bit of a bitch and when we called to explain that our move-in date had changed they said there was nothing they could do and they'd see us on the 18th. Awesome. I don't know about you but I need my internet. I mean, I could go without it if I didn't have it but pick my subbing jobs off the computer, one of my classes uses the Blackboard application and really, sitting at the school library kind of sucked. 

We are very lucky that we have such great friends because the move in date was sudden and I am smart enough not to exert myself if I don't need to. Vit was an amazing help and between him and David, most of the moving got done.  Casey and Steve were wonderful because even though they didn't actually move stuff (although Steve did carry in my heavy bathroom organizer) they got me out of the house long enough for me to relax and get back into a good frame of mind. KBiss seriously saved my life.  Between her and David running up and down the stairs while I packed, we accomplished so much.  She is actually coming by tonight to help me grab the very last of my clothes that are hanging in the closet in the old place and I am officially moved!

The puppies are adjusting well.  It's much more difficult to keep them quiet because they want to bark when people walk by the slider or they hear someone outside the door going upstairs.  We previously lived upstairs and the woman across form us barely did anything so the puppies only had what they could see below the deck to bark at.  We did however invest in a 9.99 "Bark Off" and it actually seems to work.  The idea is that the dog barks and a high pitched whistle goes off. Only a few minutes ago, Bailey barked and stopped midway so maybe....

Also fun, Comcast knocked on our door at 10:30 this morning. Yep, our appointment was for the 18th between 8 - 11 but he knocked, we said hi and said he had us scheduled for between 11-2. I'm fine with it. My laptop is having an issue getting on but Dave's desktop works beautifully and I've taken it over while he's at work.  :)

And finally, I FINALLY went grocery shopping again.  For the past month we have been using everything in our pantry so that we would have less to move as far as food goes. We got it really low so I took the opportunity to restock it.  An hour and a half and 100 dollars later, and I left Walmart Supercenter with a fully stocked carriage. I brought it all home and I feel wonderful. We have so much food!

I promise that I will put pictures up of our new place as soon as my computer is back up and working with the internet. I'm hoping Vit will figure it all out when he goes by tonight because he's some supergenious with computers and fixes all my problems.

I dont know. That was a bunch of crap all at once. Stay tuned. I'll get it all figured out soon.

Changes.

Its amazing how much something can change in the course of a week.  Last week I was in tears because I was convinced that I had made the wrong decision by stepping down to pursue subbing in an effort to get into a school district. Last week I had my heart set on Wareham. Last week I was scared of starting classes. Last week I second guessed every decision I was making.
This week, I had at least one phone call everyday (if not more than one!) to sub.  I spent every day that I could in a classroom. I've alreday been called by Fall River for a full week placement next week.
We are getting our keys for the new place on Monday (even though I have no idea when we'll have time to actually move...) and I am thrilled to stay right here. It comfortable.
Classes will be easy. A lot of work but easy, the material is stuff I know and enjoy.

I finally feel like things are falling into place.

Sable's stomach is barely red with just a small 1 cm bump; it really is a wonderful recovery. She currently chasing Bailey around the house.

Speaking of the house, we rearranged furniture and I love the new set up, this is how we'll set up when we move. 

Aaaaand we have a crib mattress! The crib itself is still in shipment but we have a crib! Little victories!

I dont know. Short. Silly. I have homework to do. I'll write again some other time...

Update.

Puppy is doing so much better!When we brought her into the doctors on Sunday night, her large bump was 8 cm x 3 cm x 3 cm and its currently measuring at 3cm x 1 cm x 1 cm! She's her normal crazy snugglebug self but he's been getting spoiled at meal time.  Her medication NEEDS to be taken with food otherwise it can make her vomit or otherwise.  For those who dont know her, she is a very picky eater.  She eats when she wants to and what she wants to so forcing meals with medication is nearly impossible.  So in order to ensure that she eats a meal and her medication, shes been getting dry food mixed into her food and tonight she got gravy on her meal.  She devoured it and took her medicine, hopped on the couch and curled up with us to watch A Beautiful Mind. Highly recommended if you havent seen it already.

After two crazy days, today was normal. I spent the day with second graders and loved it. One of the little girls drew me a picture and it made me smile.  Not because she made it but because of what it says: "Mrs. Gifford".  I know I've been married for months but it still surprises me when I say my name and its not Heather Salvucci.  I dont remember much about when I was adopted and changed my name.  I knwo I was 12 but I really dont remember much other than sitting on my floor in the yellow house practicing what was going to be my new last name.  I dont remember the transition time.  Maybe its because I didnt have mail and bills and things that I had to physically change; my parents changed my birth certificate for me.  Its still strange to me that when I log into my UMD email its "hsalvucci" but Im listed as Heather Gifford.  Its like I still cant be one without the other.

Speaking of school, I hate that place today.  It was easily the scariest day I've had in a very long time. My class was from 4-6:30 and at about 4:40 we heard yelling in the hallway and someone screamed "I'm gonna kill him. I have a gun and I'm going to fucking kill him".  PANIC. We shut off the lights, secured the door with a chair and called the police.  We sat in darkness for fifteen minutes.  I texted David and I my mother but could only a few words out.  I sent "Love you. School. Gun." I literally had tears in my eyes wondering if thatw a sit for me and my class.  All of a sudden the door slammed open and we all screamed. It was not a crazy gun man but rather a cop. I have never felt so relieved.  Guess that's my normal day...

22 weeks.

So its snowing. Again. Oh well. Had a 7:30 am ultrasound and the was going to go sub. Subbing got cancelled because of snow- yey paid day!- so David came with me again to see the little one. The first thing we saw was the valves of the heart going which was our biggest concerns last time because although we could see the heart beat, we couldn't get a good picture of the valves. Speaking of last time, once again, the little one laid on its belly the whole time and refused to cooperate. We still stand by the fact that we do not want to know, however, even if we had wanted to know, we still wouldn't be able to. This baby wants to be a surprise no matter what.

Its incredible what a difference 2 weeks makes as far as being able to see the little one.

I am going to try and post baby updates here only, rather than on Facebook as well.  I know my pregnancy is uncomfortable for some and I really want to do whatever I can to limit "in your face-ness" about the little one. We still have a long way to go and I'm sure I'll have a many updates as we build the nursery.

Speaking of nursery, we finally know where we are going. :)
After discussing finances with David, considering our emergency vet visit, we've decided that moving to Wareham is not the smartest idea right now. Where we are is comfortable and we know exactly what our expenses are.  We are however still moving within the complex.  We will be moving to a ground floor unit so I don't have to deal with the stairs as much.  When we went to go check out the unit, there was a Barbie jeep parked inside the front door so I'm already pretty excited that there's kids (somewhere) in our new building. After talking to Nicole, the front office woman, about what the maintenance guys still need to do to clean up the other unit, we talked about moving dates.  The painters go in today and the new carpets go in on Thursday and Friday so David and I can pick up keys on Monday (February 7th) and start moving.  They will give us until the following Monday (February 14th) to turn in our keys from where we are currently.

Its the exact same set up, except mirror imaged because we'll be on the other side of the building.  We'll have a walk out slider, and our back window will face the residential neighborhood rather than Rt 140.  There is a HUGE field in front of the apartment and because we have a ground floor unit, we can invest in a grill. :)

Now that means as much packing as possible between now and Monday and if anyone is interested in helping us move, pleeeeeeeeaase let me know. I'm pretty useless as far as lifting goes and as long as I actually have class at some point this semester (and they stop getting cancelled because of snow) I'll be booked up Tuesday-Friday nights on top of subbing as much as possible. Since Friendly's owns my weekends, I really don't know when I'll get to do much :/

To finish on a VERY happy note, my mom is awesome.
A month ago, or so, I started a layaway for baby furniture because its one of those things I can actually do and honestly I don't expect people to spend hundreds of dollars on furniture. No one likes to buy that stuff, they want to buy the cute receiving blankets and onsies with sayings on them (please don't). Plus if I get the earlier I can get them set up and feel like I'm prepared, even though we all know I wont be.  Well,  a crib (no mattress), a glider, a changing table, and a dresser came out to about 500 which I really thought was a wonderful deal-- hence why I did the layaway at that time. At breakfast one morning, mom gave us some money to put towards it so if I needed to take a day off or was struggling, it was still paid for. Ya, shes wonderful and I love her. Weeeeeeell, flash forward and she texts me about a baby sale at Target with a crib that comes with a mattress for $125! Plus I get my 15% AAA discount on target.com and 2% goes into the Baby's 529 Upromise account. Oh wait and free shipping?? I bought a crib and mattress for $107! ( I know, I'm so frugal!!) And technically since that's about what mom gave me for the layaway, SHE bought us a new crib!  I want to buy so much stuff because its baby sale time (ps. my registry is done if you wanna save some money-- hehe, jk. don't yet.) but I know I should just wait because my house will be full come April when I have my showers.
Plus she bought us this! Its a fabulous baby sleeper/rocker/seat/anything you need it to be! I cant wait until we move and I get to start setting stuff up for the little one's arrival.

It's so funny, if you had asked me two years ago about how I'd feel about being pregnant it would not have been the same response you're reading now. I guess it really just takes the right person to make you want it all. <3